It’s been over 35 years since he spoke the words to me. At the time, I was interning in my church; nearly finished with seminary. My supervising pastor, although a wonderful overall support to me, was not one to dish out many compliments. On this particular day, however, when the subject of my sermon the previous week came up, he said to me, “Your sermon was one of the most significant ones preached here in a while.” That’s all I remember him saying. He didn’t go into detail. But, 35 years later, I still recall those words. And I’ve placed them in my small mental file of important preaching affirmations I’ve received over the years. Whenever I doubt my gift, I pull them out and come away reassured that God can use me.
Compliments come in all shapes and sizes; everything from “Nice shirt”, to “This place is beautiful,” to “You’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever met.” Every level of affirmation is useful. Even the lightest attaboy may boost someone. And we could all use a boost.
I want to talk today, however, about a certain type of compliment; the one I received from my pastor friend. I call this a “weighty compliment”. A “weighty compliment” is one that brings with it the potential for substantial encouragement. It can lift a person back onto the rails of life when they’ve fallen off, or just help them maintain momentum when they’re already on a hot streak. It often provides fresh perspective; a more encouraging take on “what’s really happening”. And you and I, guided and empowered by the Spirit, have the potential to deliver these weighty gifts to those who need them. Exciting, huh? Let’s examine the weighty compliment.
What are some characteristics of a weighty compliment?
1. A weighty compliment is motivated by love
Love guides the weighty compliment. It also empowers it and lends it credibility. By “love” here, I don’t so much mean affection, although that helps, but rather, I mean that our compliment springs from a genuine concern for the welfare of the other person. We speak because we desire to build them up.
2. A weighty compliment is true
Flattery may sound weighty, but it’s false, and if found out, quickly destroys the credibility of any future compliments you may give. We must learn to spot genuine opportunities to praise. These will resonate because they have the ring of truth.
3. A weighty compliment addresses something of substance
“I love your hair” may bring a smile. So say it. But it’s not especially weighty. Weighty compliments address substantive issues like character, attitude and performance. These are the bedrock levels of our lives, and it’s especially encouraging to know that we’re doing something right in these areas.
4. A weighty compliment works best when it’s specific
“The house looks great!” is encouraging, but “The house looks so clean and I love how you arranged the furniture” is even more encouraging. People put effort into the particular details and they love it when you notice those details. It also makes your compliment seem more credible, since it mentions specific examples.
5. A weighty compliment is concise
This is not an absolute rule, but I’ve found, generally, that a short and sweet compliment is more powerful than one which goes on too long. For one thing, a short compliment doesn’t require much from the person receiving it. They don’t have to try to look grateful or keep finding something appropriate to say. Also, effective compliments require thoughtful wording and when my words are many, I’m apt to say more than I intended—to start exaggerating or overexplaining, for instance.
6. A weighty compliment is usually not overly dramatic
Again, we’re trying to make it easier for the person receiving it to process it comfortably. A calm, steady voice, tinged with appropriate sincerity, is easier to respond to than loud, passionate praise, although this might be the right touch if they’ve just hit the winning home run.
7. A weighty compliment is best when delivered without expecting a grateful response in return
This is where our own motives get tested. If we’re expecting to be affirmed for affirming, then, ironically, the compliment becomes more about us than about them; in fact, even a bit manipulative. I’ve found that others don’t always respond to a compliment with gratitude or a big smile. Sometimes, they don’t say anything at all, or they might appear not to have even heard what I said. That’s okay, though. I delivered the message, and they can do what they want with it. I try to give them that freedom.
As I mentioned earlier, compliments of all sorts are nice to receive, but there are some parts of my life in which a weighty compliment may especially hit home. This leads to our second question:
What are some areas in which a weighty compliment is especially encouraging?
1. It’s especially encouraging to be complimented about my character
Character is the bedrock of our soul. Almost all of us really want to be seen as people who are, at base, good, wise, etc. This is especially important for those of us who are committed Christians. God cares very much about this area. Yet, we are imperfect, and so sometimes doubt our character. Others may also criticize it, justly or unjustly. It’s uplifting to know that, despite our faults, in the big picture we’re still on course.
2. It’s especially encouraging to be complimented about my performance in an area that matters to me
I don’t care much if you think I’m a talented athlete or even a good handyman. We can’t be good at everything, and I haven’t put much work into these areas. But I do care if you appreciate my writing or my speaking. I’m heavily invested in these. I’ve made a career out them. So, a compliment in these areas has extra impact. It boosts my confidence. It’s easier to believe that my efforts are worth it. The same is true of all of us. Find an area that’s important to others and affirm them there.
3. It’s especially encouraging to be complimented about our ability to relate to others
In the end, life isn’t about stuff, or performance. It’s about people—how well did I love others? Healthy relationships form the core of our society. They allow us to get along and to flourish together. When you find someone doing this well—whether it’s someone who has chosen to forgive, or who’s unselfishly serves others, or even just a patient sales clerk, be quick to affirm this if you can. “You’re good with people” is an especially uplifting compliment to receive.
I’ll stop my list there, though it could go on. As I write this, we’ve just experienced a wonderful week of mild fall weather with lots of sun. That warm sun, basted across the landscape, radiated happiness and hope. We absorbed it. The weighty compliment is sun on the tongue. In a world overcast with fear and failure, the weighty compliment radiates a beam of courage and hope. All is not lost. God is still around, working in us and through us. Take heart and carry on.